Cassanova Journal #7 - Her . . . Again . .

Why I can't remove my feeling for her ? I still can't get it . Every moment , every hours , every second , all I think is her . . . I try to prove her that I'm the better boy for her , but still , she can't see it . hurmm . . .  I'm suffering for her love . urh ! I hate her for not letting me have her ! I hate to see the one I love happy with somebody 
but I surely hate it more to see the one I love unhappy with me . . .  I just keep myself silent till she know that I LOVE her so much . 

Cassanova Journal #6 - Being Myself .

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naïve.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself. I am told to just be myself, but as much as I have practiced the impression, I am still no good at it . It hard . It takes courage to grow up and become who I'm really are . I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part . I learned that being myself is no an easy though . . .  Till now , I didn't how myself really is . Let peoples judges who I'm really is . . . . 

Cassanova Journal #5 - Her . . . .

I don't know what people mean by LOVE till I felt it by myself when I was 14 .  It was astonishing feeling . I use to laugh at my friends when they get rejected by a girl . Now , I feel it myself when I'm been REJECTED ! It was horrible . Really . . . .  For a years I waiting for her . What did I get ? Ashamed . Till now I keep waiting for her . Pray to God day and night to open her heart for me . Why must her ? I don't know actually . All I know is , my heart is for her , but I don't know her's for me or not ? . It seem that her heart belongs to somebody else . But I never give up  . . . Until She's mine . . . .

Cassanova Journal #4 - Stars .

Last night I matched each star with a reason for loving you. I was doing great until I ran out of stars . Up in the skies, I look very carefully to see your face . I wonder if you're there , I wonder if tonight you're thinking of me. I just want to tell you that looking at the stars makes me think of you. By looking at it I just want to be where you are , and hold you tight and never let go ! ! . If I gave you all the stars from the sky that I've wished for you on, then I'd bet you'd get every star in the sky .Then I looked upon the starry sky again , I searched for a star that would match your beauty , but of all the stars , I could not find one.

Cassanova Journal #3 - Pretty Ugly Dream .

Last Night , I was sleeping around 4 o'clock ( its morning actually ) . It was cold and comfortable . Then , I sleep . I was dreaming about her . It so amazing . She's mine ! We both are most happiest couple is this world ! We shopping together , walking side by side , holding her hand .  :) . After 2 years being together , we plan to take our relationship to the next level . Married . . . .  3 month later , we married . It was so beautiful . She wearing Red Dress . I'm wearing tuxedo with a red tie . She so pretty , really , with her long shiny black hair , oh God , she too perfect for me . The night after our wedding , we go for dinner . A romantic one . hurm . .  . . .  But then , someone was knocking my door that make me wake up !!!!!! . Damn !! I couldn't finish my dream . Oh no . . . .  I sat at the side of my bed . I muse for a while . I realize then that she couldn't be mine . . . .  Ever . . . . Eventhough I try to prove to her that I'm different from another boy she been in love before , I don't think she realize it . . . . But I always pray to God to open her heart for me . Till now , I keep waiting for her . . . . . .

Cassanova Journal #2 - The World That I Know .

The world is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything . What really interests me is whether God had any choice in the creation of the world . For me , in the world there are only two tragedies . One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it . I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine. Suddenly I realize the best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart . . . . 

Cassanova Journal #1 - Death .

I always Thinking about Death . Death . Is it beautiful or ugly ? Painful or peaceful ? hurm . . . .  But I always pray to God not to take my live earlier .Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds me of a falling star one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever. While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.  Life is better than death , I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. And , what I learn about death is Death is a debt we all must pay ....